Indecision
by jacob and I
Summary: Based on the novel New Moon, Bella finds herself bored with nothing to do while Jacob is chasing after the deadly Victoria, Bella decides to go cliff diving. In a twist of fait, Jacob finds her before she jumps. What should happen then?
1. Chapter 1

I walked along the empty beach. The water crashed against the rocks as I paced faster and faster. Jacob. This was my only thought. He was in the forest running with stupid children for a pack, chasing after Victoria. Victoria. Wild, ferocious and indestructible. She was chasing after Jacob who was nothing but a stupid teenager. It had been weeks since his pack of five had been chasing down Victoria, weeks of pacing up and down, covering every inch of first beach. Waiting for Jacobs' return, anxious to know if he had been hurt, anxious to know if Victoria had been caught – killed. Her pale face suddenly entered my mind. Her dark eyes were wide, excited. . . Murderous. Her lips pulled back from her sharp, white sparkling teeth. They turned up at the corners in a half scowl, half smile. Her red hair swirled around her head in a flame of blistering heat. The image had my heart racing, my stomach squirming and my hands sweating. She was after me, and no matter what, I knew she would find me and kill me. Revenge for her beloved James. Mate for mate. Only she didn't know that Edward wouldn't care. He might have been upset by the news, but nothing that would want to make him chase after Victoria and rip her to shreds. I flinched away from his name, his face, the thought of _him _fighting Victoria. I sank to the rocky ground and wrapped my arms around my legs, keeping myself together. I was falling to pieces all over again. How long had it been since I had heard Edward's voice? The perfect clarity of my hallucinations? I had been counting on hearing him today. No doubt jumping off a cliff would make him return. It was stupid and destructive. But Jacob had to fill in for Embry who couldn't find a way to escape his mum's angry gaze. So here I was again, on the beach, alone. Sudden anger filled my veins. Its force surprised me and allowed me to think. Why should I have to cancel my plans just because Jacob bailed? I had been counting on my hallucination, and I wasn't about to give it up just because Jacob wasn't there to see if I was alright. I turned to look at the cliff where I would soon be standing. Instead of scaring me to death, it made me more eager. Adrenaline pumped though my body as did excitement. Excitement for the sound of his voice.

I drove the truck up the rocks as fast as it would go. I didn't waste time trying to find a way to the smaller cliff. I _wanted _to jump off the big cliff. The higher the better. I parked my truck far from the edge, quickly hopping out and slamming the door behind me. I walked quickly to the edge of the cliff, my breathing fast with anticipation. I looked down at the dark, black waves below. The wind whipped my hair wildly around my face.

Light splatters of rain splashed against my cheeks and stuck my wet hair to my neck. I closed my eyes and let my toes lead the way, moving along the rocky earth until they hung over the edge. I took a deep breath and waited.

"_Bella?" _The beautiful, bell like voice spoke, his tone disapproving. I smiled triumphantly, as his perfect voice tried to caution me. "_Step away from the edge, you'll hurt yourself."_ I sighed at the pure perfection of his voice. I edged closer, bending my knees, putting my weight into the ground so that I could push myself higher. Testing him.

"Bella?" This voice surprised me; I paused, waiting for it to speak again. "Bella!" The voice cried. Jacob. I heard his bare feet slam against the ground as he ran towards me. He had come too soon. I hadn't had enough of the sound of his voice. I wanted more. I didn't move out of my bend, instead, I bent my knees further. I felt Jacob's hand brush against my arm as I pushed myself into the air. I felt the wind blow against my face in a whirl of icy freshness. I let out a squeal of pure delight, full of adrenaline. Then, I hit the water. My veins seemed to turn to ice as I sunk deeper into the wet, ice like ocean.

"_Bella!"_ The beautiful voice yelled. This time full of concern. A loud thud echoed slowly through the water, and bubbles of air surrounded me. Suddenly, something hot constricted itself around me and I felt myself being lifted up. Suddenly, my head broke the surface, and I was being carried to the shore.

"Bella honey, you're going to be ok.' I forced my eyes open. Jacob stared back at me. His wet hair stuck to his face. His mouth was set into hard lines of anger, his eyebrows pushed together, yet somehow his eyes were full of sadness and worry. "What were you thinking Bells, you could have been killed. Did you not notice the colour of the sky? There is going to be a hurricane.' Tears overflowed his eyes, ran down his cheeks and combined itself with the wetness on his face. 'You always pick the worst time to be reckless."

"Jake? What's the matter?" The lines of his eyebrows deepened, his expression somehow managed to become even more troubled. "I'm so sorry Jake, I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's fine Bells, let's just get you inside." His body hunched over me, protecting me from the rain, and he ran in a flat out sprint towards his house. The rain seemed to become a low echo once we were in the warm Black's house. He lay me gently on his couch before disappearing around the corner. I waited silently. He returned carrying a pair of grey sweatpants and a shirt. "I guess you need something to wear. These will be massive on you but they should do." His eyes were still distant, his face was painful to look at. "I guess I'll, er, step outside while you change."

"No wait, Jake." He sat next to me on the couch looking puzzled. "Just stay. Tell me what's wrong." Jacob closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Harry Clearwater died today of a heart attack. That's where Billy and Charlie is right now. I was at the hospital before but I came back to look for you and then, well yeah, I saw you nearly jump.'

Oh no, Harry Clearwater. Poor Leah and Sue and Seth. They must be distraught. Poor Charlie, Harry Clearwater was a great friend of his.

"Don't worry Bells, it will be ok." He yawned quietly before stretching out and sitting on the floor at my feet. "I'm so tired."

"You should sleep Jake, you need some rest.' I said quietly, still shocked by the news that had just been delivered.

"I guess a few minutes couldn't hurt." He whispered.

It only took a few minutes before Jake was asleep, filling the entire room with his loud snores. I lay deeper into the couch and let my mind wander. Here I was, with everything anyone could possibly want, yet I was still not happy. I had a beautiful man who loved me – probably more than his own life – yet I still wanted more. I wanted _him_. But he didn't want me. He was perfectly happy, living with his distractions, while I lay here, wet and depressed, wandering where he was right now. I shouldn't live like this. Even though Edward didn't care, I'm sure he would at least want me to move on. But with Jacob? I couldn't see why not. When I thought about it, truly thought about it, I guess I did love Jacob in that way a little. But was it enough? Did I deserve someone as good and true as him? That question had me thinking.


	2. Chapter 2

Jacob woke in a spasm of shock, derailing my thoughts for a moment as I watched him recover.

"You alright Jake?" He turned around, almost surprised to see me. A thin sheen of sweat covered his face, and his brown/red complexion somehow seemed pale.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He looked down at the ground "Bad dream." He grunted. I said nothing, not sure what to do. I felt like I was intruding, watching someone else's grief. "Charlie must be worried. We should get you home." He stood and held out his hand, a gesture for me to accept. I took his hand, not wanting to upset him and let him lead the way to my truck.

He didn't even ask to drive, he just took the wheel, and drove as fast as my ancient truck would allow.

Jake slowed the truck down until it came to a loud stop. I heard the engine backfire as he switched off the ignition. I peered through the darkness. Charlie wasn't home, the porch light wasn't on. "How're you going to get home Jake?" I asked, eyeing his bare chest and feet.

"I'm sure I'll manage." He forced his lips to turn out up at the corners. His attempt at a smile faded horribly.

"Oh Jake!" I wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't stand it when he was upset like this. I felt his warm arms curl themself around me, holding me closer, tighter. It was suddenly very silent. The quiet surroundings seemed to bang against my brain like a warning sign. Jakes chest expanded as he inhaled the scent of my hair. I had done it again. This moment was so different for him then it was for me. Pulling away would just make him feel miserable. So I held my ground and let him have his moment.

"How could you Bella?" He whispered suddenly, his voice that of disapproval, "how could you have such disregard for your life? Or are you that miserable that you couldn't bear it anymore? Is it me, do I make you miserable?" I could hear the sadness in his voice and the outbreak of a sob building up in his throat.

"What? Jake I don't know what you're talking about." Yet I did. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Cliff diving. Why did I always have to be so stupid? I always picked the wrong time to be reckless. Just as Jacob had said.

He didn't answer me, he just waited.

"I'm not miserable." I whispered. And it was the truth, I really wasn't. These past few weeks have been better.

"Bella, I need to tell you something," He moved out of our embrace yet still held my shoulders "I know I've told you this before, and I know you don't feel the same way, but. . ."

"Oh, Jake not this again."

"Just let me finish." He took a deep breath and continued. "Bella Swan, I love you. I love you more than anything in the entire world, more than my own life and all I want is to be with you, to make you happy and keep you safe. To hold you in my arms when you are afraid or upset, to stand by your side and say you are mine." His eyes filled with tears. My heart seemed to sink into my stomach. "It's all I want." He finished, looking down to hide his face.

His words stabbed into my chest like a dagger piercing my heart. Because I knew it was all true, and that I felt the same way about him. Well the first part anyway. I loved him. I was in love with him, and I too wanted him to be mine, all _mine._

"Oh Jake, I love you too."

"But not in the same way, I know."

I leaned in again and hugged him close to me. All I needed to do was to turn my head just a little, just a fraction of an inch and kiss him on his shoulder. I knew exactly where it would lead; we wouldn't be grieving for Harry tonight. But was I ready? Could I really let go of the hallucinations, let go of all the memories, all of the beautiful moments with _him?_ Because in the end, that was the only way I could be fair to Jacob. In that moment, when a deep sob broke from Jacob's chest and tears wet my hair, I knew that I could. It wouldn't be easy and it would take a bit of time, but I could, and I would. I took a deep breath and slowly pressed my lips to his shoulder.

"But that's where you're wrong Jake," I whispered. I heard his breath catch in a moment of confusion, "I love in the exact same way." There was a short moment of silence, neither of us breathed. Suddenly, Jake's arms twisted in my hair and he pressed his lips to mine with a force like no other. A force of pure passion. There was no way to think, Jake was everywhere. Our breathing sped as he pulled back slightly, kissing my jaw, then my neck and back to my lips.

This was the beginning. I was leaving something so wonderful, so beautiful behind. But beginning something different and not as strong in exchange. Although it was the beginning, it felt like the end.

_Goodbye Edward_, I thought to myself as Jacob carried me slowly inside.


	3. Realisation

**This chapter is a little sadder than the other two and gets into Jacobs head!! This one is definately my favourite so far so please enjoy!!! READ AND REVIEW!!**

unfortunately these beautiful characters of Twilight do not belong to me, all copyright given to fanfiction, Twilight and brilliant author Stephanie Meyer.

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**CHAPTER THREE: REALISATION**

**Jacob**

I carried her tired, limp body inside, my mouth still burning, missing the feel of her soft lips moving against mine. As I walked, she avoided my eyes, looking forward, or just closing them when she had no other excuse. Her face betrayed no emotion; the only thing I could see was exhaustion. I opened the door of the front porch and slowly carried her up the stairs to her bedroom, laying her gently on top of the mattress, under the covers. I sat on the bed next to her, watching her fall deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. As I sat there, in her tiny dark room, I saw a single tear, glint from the faint light of the moon. It ran down her cheek and splashed onto the pillow. My heart sank ten thousand miles deep into my body, a weight sat on my shoulders making it hard for me to stand. The gravity of the entire world seemed to shift as I saw her small moment of misery, something she had been hiding from me all day. Her emotions had finally betrayed her entire day of mental solitude. I wandered what caused her so much sadness, if it was me, I would never know. Bella didn't talk about the way she feels like the average teenage girl and that was what I loved about her. She had so many beautiful qualities; it was hard to keep count.

I sat down next her bed, waiting for Charlie to get home and my queue to leave. Of course I wouldn't leave entirely. With that bloodsucker Victoria loose, I couldn't leave Bella unprotected. Today had been a very long day, yet worth it. I remembered mine and Bella's moment in the car, her lips pressed against mine, when she told me she loved me. I sighed deeply in contentment as I too slowly fell asleep.

Morning came quicker than I expected, the sun, shining for once, shone through the window waking me up abruptly. Bella was stirring, creaking the wooden springs as she stretched out on the bed. She sat up and yawned before turning her body toward me. She squealed in surprise and shock at the sight of me.

"Jacob?!" she screamed, she flinched at the sound of her loud, rough voice and toned it down to a whisper, "What? What are you still doing here? You were supposed to go home . . . and Charlie, did he see you here, oh my gosh, Charlie."

"Bella, Bella honey calm down. Don't worry; I can't hear anyone so I'm guessing Charlie is out. Come on, why don't we head down to La push and spend the day in the garage. You know, just you and me and a couple of sodas."

"What do you mean you can't _hear_ anyone? Have you actually gone to see if he's down there or not?"

I sighed at her silliness. I pointed to my ears and smiled.

"Super creepy werewolf senses remember? Now are we going to La push or what?"

Her expression shifted, and she managed to smile.

"Yeah, La push sounds good."

Really? How could it? She'd been there nearly every day. I'd ruined her Spring Break.

We headed down stairs for some breakfast before leaving in Bella's truck.

Although I couldn't quite understand it, I couldn't get last night out of my mind. Not just the kissing slash making out part of it, which was by far the best, but when Bella was in bed and she was, well crying. Although it could have been anything, it kept banging on my skull screaming out emergency. I couldn't get her heartbroken expression away from my thoughts for even a second, to even be able to think straight.

Bella pulled up in front of the house and stepped out, with me closely behind.

"Hey Bells, do you mind if we go straight to the garage, I think Billy still has a few things to sort out and he might be leaving for the Clearwater's soon. I think he'd rather be left alone." And that was the case with Dad. When he was upset or grieving or just needed time to sought things out, he didn't want to cross paths with anyone.

"Oh, yeah, sure Jake. Whatever." She smiled happily at me, yet her smile didn't touch her eyes. Her big, warm, beautiful brown eyes were sad, guilty.

There was something very wrong here. Her distraught face crept its way back into my mind. We needed to talk, and soon. I lead the way to the garage with a mission, my mind focused on the task ahead.

Bella sat in the front seat of my Rabbit, watching me work on her recently wrecked motorcycle. When would she ever learn how to put the break on the bike? Her clumsiness made me smile. Silly Bella.

"May I be included in the joke?" She asked, her face beaming at my smile.

"Oh, it's nothing." Now was the time, I took a deep breath and began what I had been planning since the ride over. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I should have never kissed you back. I know how you feel about me and I never should have made you feel guilty into saying you love me. I'm just, so . . . _sorry." _I felt my face fall, my muscles weaken, and my guilt took over my body.

"Jake? Don't say that. I do love you, and I wanted to kiss you. I, ugh, it's so hard to explain, but you need to know." She took a deep breath, just like I had, as though preparing for something that she too had been planning for a while. "Jake, I need to move on; I can't keep living like this. He's – Edward is never coming back. As cheesy as this sounds; I will always have a place in my heart for him, but my future is with you. I love _you _Jake, I always will." A tear sparkled on her cheek and it brought back the memory from last night.

Bella, crying, grieving. Her face full of misery and longing. Her tear of sadness was a farewell. She couldn't have him so she would have to make do with me. She didn't love me like she did him. She didn't want me like she wanted him. She didn't long for _me_, she longed for _HIM!_ That disgusting parasite, the bloodsucker. All she wanted was Edward, not me. My dreams of having her all to myself, holding her in _my_ arms, claiming her _mine_, shattered in that instance of realisation. No matter how hard she tried, she would never love me fully. Every time we would kiss, every touch, she would sit there, and wander how it would have been if this moment had happened with Edward. Even when we were grey and old, I bet she would still wander, wander what her life would have been like, if only he hadn't left. The pain took over my limbs, controlled my mind and stabbed into my heart. I couldn't even find the strength to phase. My hands didn't shake; the hair on my neck didn't rise in hatred of thing that possessed her mind, her heart, her body. I was trapped in this body, the body that felt pain that _loved_. I dropped to the floor, beside the Rabbit and waited. Waited for who knows what, but I waited. Her arms tangled around me. I felt her try to shake me, make me focus on her but I couldn't. I just . . . couldn't.

That bloodsucker had ruined her. He ruined her the very first day they met and shattered her the very first day he left.


	4. darkness

**I do not own any of the beautiful characters of Twilight**

**Ok so this one isn't my best and definately not my favourite because Edward isn't my favourite, so I'm sorry all you Jacob fans, but the story wouldn't make so much sense without a litlle bit of Edward in it. Sorry its not my best work and it could have been better, so please pretty please read and review and ill have the next chapter out in a few days!! :P enjoy PLEASE REVIEW AND GIVE ME SOME IDEAS!!! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT AND ILL WRITE IT!!! **

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**Edward **

**chapter 4: DARKNESS **

The wind blew my already tangled bronze hair around my face and into my eyes. I ran in the shadows, avoiding the light. Not that anyone was around to see me, but I hated seeing my granite skin "sparkle" in the sunlight.

I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be doing this.

Bella.

The two thoughts practically tore my body in two. My still heart ached for just one glimpse of her, just one touch, just one kiss . . . But my head told me to stay away, to leave her alone, and to let her be. In the end, she was better off without me. I couldn't stand not being with her, not being around her. I missed the feeling of her soft body against mine, they way her smell messed with my thoughts and intoxicated my brain. Her very presence made it hard to think. Her name made me want to cry, yet my dry eyes didn't spill a tear. I couldn't grieve for her like a normal person; I couldn't live without her or try to move on like she could. Because I wasn't a _normal_ person. I was a vampire. Sick and inhumane. My existence went against the very rights of science. If only I didn't exist. She would have been able to live a normal, happy life, I would have died in 1901 just as fait had permitted. Death had strolled by, sunk its teeth into my neck and disintegrated my now dry veins.

I should be dead,

But I wasn't.

I stopped as soon as I reached the forest border, right near her house. Anticipation suddenly became present. It surprised me greatly. I hadn't felt emotion since the day I turned my back on the most beautiful thing in the world. Turned my back on the entire reason for my existence. I walked forward slowly, just faster than human pace and stood directly under her window.

Just one peek. I would just take one look and then leave. I looked up at the sky, it was about four. I would wait a little bit longer, until I knew for sure she was in her bed and asleep. I turned on my heels and ran back into the forest.

Just one more hour, I told myself. It was about eight o'clock by now. The moon shone brightly in the starless sky. I was sure she wouldn't be asleep yet. But I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see, to know for sure if she was alright. I ran through the forest, this time, coming from behind the house. I crept in from the back until I came to her window, without a thought to stop me; I climbed up the wall and quietly peered in though the shut window. There she lay, under a heap of covers, breathing deeply, fast asleep. I needed to get a closer look; I needed to speak with her, just to hear her voice.

But I shouldn't. I had promised I wouldn't. I needed to stick to my promise and leave. I had seen her, saw her breathing, and heard her moist, mouth-watering heart beat. I knew she was alright, now it was time to leave.

But I needed to hear her voice, smell her scent, touch her soft, fragile skin. I wanted her to know I was here.

I tapped quietly on the window, yet loud enough to wake her up.

"C'mon Bella, just wake up." I whispered to myself. Yet deep down, in this body of stone, I wished she wouldn't.

She stirred under the blankets, and sat up in her bed. Her body frozen with fear and dread. What could have made this reaction. Suddenly, she got up from the bed and opened the window. My face was obscured by the darkness; she couldn't have known who I was.

"What are you doing Jake?" She whispered angrily. Her voice sent sparks of electricity run through my body. It awoke my senses and stitched up my silent heart.

Jake? Jacob Black? What on Earth would Jacob be doing climbing in through her window?

"You shouldn't be here, go to sleep." She reached up to pull the window down.

"It's not Jacob." I whispered. I waited for her reaction, but there was none. She just froze, her arms outstretched, closing around the steel frame of the window. Her hand shook at her side and her lip trembled. Her eyes were wide with disbelief and sadness. Why would she be sad? Had I hurt her that much that she didn't want to see me again? Had I made a mistake coming back? "Bella?" I whispered, "It's me Edward." I felt like a complete idiot, I was sure she knew who I was!

"E-Edward?" She replied, in a whisper softer than mine, "No, it can't be." She shook her head in frustration, tears splashed from her eyes and ran down her cheeks, "You need to stop this!" She told herself.

Stop what? What was going on with her?

"Bella?" Was all I could say. Nothing else escaped my lips but her name. "Bella," I continued, with my dumbfounded expression. Finally, the realisation hit, here she was, right in front of me, arms length away. All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around her, just hold her for the rest of eternity, make sure she was really there, but for some reason, my arms would move forward to reach for her, my mouth wouldn't speak anything other than her name.

"Go away!" She whispered angrily, banging her fist against her head, "I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen, I promised Jake! No more, I need to move on!"

Move on? What was she talking about? And she had promised herself, Jake? The more she spoke, the more I didn't understand!

"No more hallucinations or whatever this is." She took one sweeping look at me, studying my face, my body, my eyes, before turning away. She looked up at the sky in her moment of obvious insanity.

"Goodbye Edward, I love you, but I can't do this anymore. I need to move on. If I can't be happy then I might as well make the one person who truly deserves it as happy as I can make them. Goodbye Edward, wherever you are." She turned her back, purposely not looking at me and crawled into bed.

What was she talking about? I pulled myself through the open window, and slowly walked to her bed. I stroked her face with my finger, memorising the soft feel of her skin.

"I'm sorry Bella, it was a mistake to come back. I should have guessed you wouldn't want me back after everything that I did to you. I-I don't know what I was thinking."

She had no response for my words. She shut her eyes tighter as her lip trembled faster, tears rolled down her cheeks and her body shook, yet she still did not speak.

My heart ached for this precious mortal being. My beautiful Bella. That short, single year I had spent with my love was the sunniest time of my eternity. When I left her my world turned black, my heart froze further, my brain held captive by the memories of the past. Yet here she was. My sunshine, my bright, bright star. I looked back out of her open window. There was nothing but darkness, the perfect place for me. I was the creature of the dark, the menace of the night, it was time I returned and left my sunshine, my love, my eternity behind.


	5. Decided

Alright so not much happened in this chapter because its all about leading up to the next. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW.

disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters or Twilight itself!!

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DECIDED

My room was pitch black, my weak eyes couldn't see anything around me. I sat up in my bed, remembering the very out of control hallucination I had, had. I needed to stop; these things were getting way out of hand. Edward wasn't coming back; he didn't love me like I had once thought he had. I was just a weak, miserable human who could have been disposed of within a matter of seconds. Yet somehow, that beautiful creature didn't hurt me, not physically anyway. He just simply left me. I wandered if I was grateful for the fact that he kept me alive. Physically anyway . . .

My eyes had begun adjusting to the darkness around me. I searched my room, somehow feeling someone's eyes on me. My face flushed hot, my palms were sweaty. I could feel a presence; hear their loud, angry breath. She had come. She was finally here. Had I awoken just in time to feel the pain, oh so excruciating pain she was about to deliver? She was here. Victoria was finally here. My eyes were wide, straining to see my surroundings. Suddenly, I stopped searching when I found a dark figure sitting in my old rocking chair. The figure was not slight, but thick and masculine. It was not Victoria, but Jacob.

"Jake? Jacob! What the hell are you doing in my room?! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" I whispered angrily. If it was not for the surrounding darkness, or the fact that it was the middle of the night, I would have been screaming my head off.

The figure just sat there, unmoving and unwilling.

"Jake?" I panted angrily. What was his problem? I had every right in the world to be mad at him! Why the hell was he sitting in _my_ room, watching _me_ sleep? "_I'm waiting_." I added theatrically. Yet still he said nothing. I finally caught on to his furious mood. I watched as his body shook, tremors of heat rolling off of him. His nostrils flared and his eyes were wide.

"He was here." He finally whispered. "He was here and you knew it."

What? Who was here? Victoria? But then he would have exclaimed she, unless he was going through some moment of pure, bitter insanity.

"Jake?" I whispered, too confused for anything else. "What?"

"Edward. Your bloodsucking leech! He was here! I saw him, I was running patrols and he didn't even see me, smell me. But I smelled him. I watched as he climbed your window, as you let him in. How could you Bella?" His shaking had stopped completely. He rested his head in his big mammoth hands and sighed. A sigh full of pain and understanding. My Jacob, he was in pain. All because of me. His words suddenly seemed to hit me like a canon. My breath exploded from my mouth and my heart shattered into a hundred pieces in this moment of obvious realisation. He was here! Edward Cullen had been in my room, begging me to take him back, yet I fought against him, thinking he was a mere hallucination.

"He was here?" I asked like an idiot.

"Don't fake it Bella. Don't pretend like you didn't know. I'm not stupid. I saw it for myself."

"But Jake, I didn't know. Well, I did but not really."

"You did but not really? I might become an animal, Bells, but I don't think like one. I know what I saw." His eyes pleaded with himself, wishing otherwise. His face was ancient with the pain he felt. "What you said to me the other night, that you loved me, that you wanted me, that you belonged with me, it was all a _lie_. If he had shown up a minute after you spoke, you would have forgotten everything you had just confessed to me and run off with a leech!" His hands began to shake for the second time; a tear sparkled in his eye at his own words.

"Please Jake stop, you don't know what you're talking about." Yet he was right. I would have run back to him, I would have left Jacob if only I could have had another chance with Edward. I was a monster. It was I who should be feared amongst all because I was pure evil. Whoever got too close to me would feel pain. I bowed my head in shame. The guilt I felt was made present by becoming an overloaded burden on my back.

"Well then explain it to me Bella. Tell me what I don't know. Why don't you explain it to me?"

"Jake." I whispered. His face was as hard as stone. His eyes were cold and unforgiving. This Jacob scared me. I pushed myself off the bed and stood as far from him as I could.

"Tell me Bella!" He almost screamed in his haste.

"Ok, ok just calm down. It's ok Jake, I'll tell you." His entire body shook, as well as the rocking chair beneath him. I spoke fast, trying to get the words out quick enough. This was it. I would tell him everything. Even if it was Edward who was here last night, even if he had begged me to take him back, if it ever happened again, I would never leave him. My life was with Jacob now. I had promised myself, given myself to him. And no matter how unhappy this decision made me, I would live up to it. "I thought it was a dream. I dream about him all the time, think about him, I-I _hear_ him. I can't take it anymore Jake, I just can't." I took a steadying breath, watching him closely as I did this. His body seemed to tighten somewhat, making the shaking impossible. His muscles over his bare neck and chest were tense, almost to the point of explosion. He needed to calm down. I chose my words carefully; making sure none of them would set him off. "I-I just want you to know that, if he ever came back for me, I will never go back with him." My words had done the trick. His body turned to mush and I knew he was safe to approach. I walked over to him slowly and kneeled down next to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

I was decided.


	6. a year

**Hi guys, alright so I havent udated in a while, but i've been really sick, and I just didn't get around to writing anything. Anyways, this chapter is really short and I don't think many of you will be too happy with it, BUT I MUST WARN YOU, things will get better and work out just as planned :P. **

**AND . . . I just want to dedicate this chapter to Darkestdesire8 and Twilightisvictim because they always read and review!!! so yeh enjoy please, love ya :D **

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**BELLA**

It had been a year.

A very slow, uneventful year.

But my first year with Jacob. I was officially nearly nineteen now. I'd graduated and was already being forced to move in with Jake. Charlie had unknowingly been saving me. He wanted to wait until we were _married_; worried about the things we could get up to. Silly, naive Charlie. Jake had been pressuring me for months now; actually begging was the right word. He wanted to be with all the time, but moving in with him wasn't what I wanted. I just wasn't brave enough to tell him that. But for now I was still living at home, having Jake, loudly sneak into my room at night time. Just like Edward . . .

I cleaned the thought from my mind as I slowly walked up and down the quiet beach of La push. I was proud of myself. I had kept my promise to Jake, The promise I had vowed what seemed a life time ago. I hardly ever allowed myself to think, to hear not even to imagine him. I had pushed him out of my mind and committed myself to Jacob.

I still couldn't believe that I had come so close, and he just slipped from my fingers. He was there, but in my twisted, crazy mind, he hadn't been. And now, because of it, I had lost him. He had said that he would leave and never come back. This time, I had let him. It was my fault he was gone, yet I couldn't bring myself to be upset about it. No matter how much II know I love him, I don't want to be with him.

Jake on the other hand.

I crossed the middle of the beach, and sat down on the old driftwood tree. Jake was at school. The very thought of this made me want to burst out into laughter. I just couldn't imagine my Jacob, the Jacob that looks well into his late twenties, walking around school grounds, laughing and being n idiot with a bunch of immature seventeen year olds. But I was glad he was back at school again, no matter how much he hated it, it was good that he had a bit of stability in his life. To know of what is to come of the day. I missed that. I never knew anymore. Something different happened everyday. A new bit of realisation, a new discovery or regret. I missed the time when all I knew was my mum, my Dad and my books. I had no idea of what lived in this world. Until I'd met Edward . . . and Jake of course.

Yes, It had been a long year, yet here I was, on the same beach, waiting for Jake, wanting Edward.

**JACOB**

Great. High school. How stupid. Bella was finished school. Yet here I was, doing what Billy forced upon me. It was a waste of time. I should be patrolling with Sam or spending time with Bella. I didn't need an education. I had been away for so long anyway; I would be so far behind. What was the point? It's not like I ever did good in school anyway . . . or even thought about trying.

I walked into my first class alone, with a sour expression. Quil and Embry were running patrol today. Their parents didn't force them to come to school. Stupid, ignorant, old _ugh._ I pushed the words I knew were coming out of my mind. This wasn't the time to be cussing. I walked into my Biology class and sat at my favourite seat in the back. Let's do this, round one of torture. The only school in La Push was nothing fancy. Our Biology classes were not taught in a laboratory, but an average class room where we did nothing but listen to the teacher drone on and on. I crossed my arms over my chest and prepared for the onslaught.

"Jacob Black, you've seemed to finally praise us with your presence."

Great! Mr. Evre. Seems he's swapped classes this year. Perfect. I sighed in annoyance as I addressed him.

"How good of you to finally show up. It has been what, a year?"

Yep, and the best year of my life. No school, being with Bella, and I've got to say, this werewolf stuff isn't so bad either. An entire year of freedom, until now.

"Sick." I mumbled, not bothering to tell him the entire, made up story.

"So I've been told. Hmm, who knew mono lasted a year. Might have to check into that one won't I?"

Damn this guy got on my nerves. I cussed under my breath before I turned away and focussed on the floor.

"Something you have to say Jacob?" Mr. Evre looked down on me, peering above his old, round glasses.

Ok, so I'm usually one for witty comebacks, but this time I had nothing. I just sat in my seat and continued to stare at the floor. It was then that I felt it. Felt the heat blow past my body as she sat down. The electricity that seemed to be emanating out of her, pulling me towards her. I looked up to see the most beautiful thing in the world. Every feeling I had for anyone, my love for Bella, my anger towards Mr Evre disappeared by just setting my eyes upon her. Everything around me vanished, all I could see was her, all I could feel was for her. Nothing else in the world, in the universe mattered but her.

It had been a year, yet it meant nothing. . .


End file.
